When we say “trauma bonding” – what comes to mind? Many may assume that this is a relationship formed through shared trauma, but it is more complex and far more toxic than it may first seem.

Trauma bonding isn’t just a buzzword; It is a psychological phenomenon that traps individuals in harmful relationships through cycles of abuse and affection.

What is trauma bonding?

According to Delhi-based relationship counselor Ruchi Ruh, trauma bonding occurs when an abuser creates a cycle of manipulation alternating between abusive behavior and affectionate gestures. This unpredictable pattern makes the victim emotionally dependent, confusing love with control and loss.

“The abuser alternates between harmful behavior (mistreatment, manipulation) and positive behavior (affection, forgiveness), creating confusion and dependence in the victim. “This cycle makes the relationship unpredictable and yet difficult to leave,” says Ruh, “because moments of ‘kindness’ can trigger a ‘warm recall’ of all the good memories.”

Relationship expert Shahjin Shivdasani says trauma bonding is not about shared past traumas, but about living in a toxic relationship where emotional abuse is followed by a period of kindness. This pattern promotes dependency and keeps victims emotionally tied.

Ekta Khurana, another Delhi-based psychologist and therapist, mentions that sometimes victims are fully aware that the person showing the behavior is toxic but still, they cannot break free from the relationship.

How does it affect mental health?

The psychological impact of a traumatic relationship is severe. Ruh explains that the constant fluctuations can lead to anxiety, depression, and even PTSD. Victims often internalize blame, suffer from low self-esteem, and mistakenly believe they are responsible for the abuse.

She also mentions that a disadvantage of forming such a bond is that the abuser’s approval becomes the victim’s source of value and security, leading to unhealthy dependency. This creates a unique kind of dependence on the abuser and victims spend a long time trying to understand this relationship.

How does trauma bonding develop?

Shivdasani attributes the development of traumatic relationships to intermittent reinforcement, where abusive events are followed by periods of affection. Victims try to rationalize their partner’s erratic behavior in hopes of permanent change, which rarely comes.

Additionally, people with insecure attachment styles or unresolved childhood trauma are more likely to fall into such toxic cycles, says Ruh.

“Over time, the stress-abuse-reconciliation cycle becomes normalized, making toxicity harder to recognize. Abusers often isolate their victims from support systems like family and friends, making the abusive relationship the victims’ only emotional outlet,” Ruh mentions.

break free and heal

Ekta Khurana outlines the steps required for liberation:

• Awareness: Recognize that the relationship is toxic and based on manipulation.
• Get help: Talk to trusted friends, join support groups, or seek therapy.
• Document Pattern: Keep a journal of abusive incidents to combat gaslighting.
• Set boundaries: Establish physical and emotional distance from the abuser.
• Rebuild self-worth: Invest in self-care, hobbies, and healthy social relationships.
• Therapeutic help: Consider treatments like CBT or EMDR for deeper trauma.

red flags to watch for

Shahzeen Shivdasani highlights the warning signs of trauma relationship:

• This relationship fluctuates between intense affection and abuse.
• The abuser justifies the harmful behavior as ‘for your own good’.
• You feel isolated from friends and family.
• Ending a relationship creates anxiety or guilt.

Misconceptions about trauma bonding

Contrary to popular belief, trauma bonding is not limited to interpersonal or romantic relationships. This can happen in friendships, workplaces, and family dynamics where power imbalances exist. so watch out!