We have all been through this situation. An acquaintance or friend sends you an invitation to a party, a get-together or even an informal coffee party, and you feel that familiar knot of anxiety in your stomach. If you are not socially active, meeting so many people, mingling with them, seems like a chore.

Social anxiety can make even the most exciting invitations seem intimidating. It’s even worse if you’re a people pleaser. You want to decline the invitation, but anxiety combined with your desire to please makes things even more difficult. So, how do you decline without looking rude or disinterested?

Are negative consequences affecting your judgment?

Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, says people with social anxiety often find it difficult to say ‘no’, as they anticipate disaster and expect negative consequences if they decline an invitation or request.

They fear some adverse consequences:

• the person being angry, upset, or insulted by them
• Damaging or losing that relationship/friendship
• feeling criticized, judged, or disliked by someone
• appearing rude, inattentive, or selfish
• Potential conflict, confrontation, or uncomfortable conversations may arise
• feeling intense guilt, anxiety, or remorse afterward

However, research shows that declining an invitation doesn’t have as much impact as we think.

“Although it may seem like the inviter will only consider the fact that you declined, they will likely consider much more than that, making the negative consequences less severe than you might think,” says Julian Givvy, co-author of the study and an assistant professor at West Virginia University.

He said the study also found that people who decline invitations tend to overestimate how much attention the invitee paid to the invitation decline itself, rather than considering the considerations that led him or her to make that decision.

Saying ‘no’: Is it a common struggle for people with social anxiety?

Yes, it’s common to have difficulty saying ‘no’, especially when social anxiety kicks in. Why, you ask? Dr. Tugnett says it’s because of low self-esteem and a lack of assertiveness.

“They also worry excessively about serious consequences, fearing that the other person will think badly of them or perhaps break up with them. Because their nervous belief system prevents them from setting boundaries, people are forced to comply reluctantly, even when they don’t want to,” she adds.

No thanks, no bad: I politely decline

There’s no denying that attending social gatherings and get-togethers enriches you in a way (of course, it depends on the company). However, if an invitation doesn’t appeal to you, you can decline it by saying the following, as suggested by Dr. Tugnet:

• Start by expressing gratitude: “I’m really touched that you thought of me and thank you so much for the invitation.”
• Use ‘I’ statements: For example, “I really won’t be able to attend because of this…” Avoid criticizing others or using the pronoun “you.”
• Be truthful but brief: Instead of making up a complicated excuse, just say, “I have another commitment that day,” or something similar.
• Provide options by saying: “I can’t come for dinner, but if it works out, I’d love to have coffee some other time.”
• Avoid giving too many details: Giving too much detail can come across as a lie. A brief description is sufficient.
• End on a positive note: “Thanks again for including me, I really appreciate the invitation.”
• Respond instantly: Ignoring or avoiding something can be construed as rude. Nod politely as soon as possible.
• Use your body language and tone: Maintain a kind and grateful tone by smiling and making eye contact.

The main thing is that you respond in a way that is kind, clear and leaves no room for misunderstanding. You should also be careful not to over-justify or make the other person feel unimportant. A polite but assertive response can make a big difference.

The best way to propose suddenly while giving importance to the relationship

If you’re concerned about your friendship and feel like you haven’t been able to be “real friends,” try these ways to give your relationship more value.

• express regret: “I’m so sorry, but I can’t come this time.” Expressing your regrets in advance shows your willingness to go.
• Provide an alternative: “Can we consider meeting next weekend?” Suggesting a different time frame shows that you’re genuinely interested.
• Briefly describe the situation: “I have a prior family commitment that has come up.” A brief, straightforward explanation that avoids being too specific is appropriate.
• Emphasize the importance of: “You know how much I value our monthly dinners.” It’s comforting to state explicitly that you value that ritual or relationship.
• End on a positive note: “I’m looking forward to meeting you already!” Ending on a positive note sets things in motion.

For example: “I’m so sorry, but I’ll miss our monthly dinner this Friday night. I had to cancel a family obligation that was already scheduled. Can we postpone our plans to get together until next weekend? As you know, I cherish our dinners very much. I can’t wait to see you then!”

what you should Know

The secret is to politely but firmly decline, attest to your gratitude for their company, suggest an imminent alternative, and conclude on a positive note.

If this doesn’t work, perhaps change your situation and ask yourself, “How would I have reacted if my friend had declined the invitation?”

This will probably help you get a clearer perspective.