Should you live in a marriage where your husband’s mother comes first?
It is important to respect and love your mother, but should it come at the cost of your relationship? Not really—and this is what husbands need to understand.
What do you do when your husband’s mother still makes all the decisions? Many women feel neglected in their marriage, especially when their husbands give priority to their mothers over them. Even the husband may find himself torn between his love for his wife, with whom he shares life and children, and his bond with the woman who raised him. In such situations, he runs the risk of being called either a “mama’s boy” or a “mama’s boy”.Joru’s slave“- A man who is controlled by his wife.
So, what is the right course of action when you get caught in this tug-of-war?
need to tell wife
While a son should take care of his mother, there is a difference between loving her and making her the third wheel in your marriage. If you notice this happening repeatedly, it is important to express your feelings and help him understand its impact.
Delhi-based relationship expert Ruchi Ruh urges women to address the issue as soon as possible, ideally in a non-confrontational manner. “It’s easy for these conversations to turn into accusations, especially when the woman feels she’s not getting enough attention, respect or love,” explains Ruchi.
She suggests using ‘I’ statements, like ‘I feel neglected when you’re around’ or ‘I need more of your time and full attention when we’re together.’ This approach focuses on expressing the wife’s emotional experience without blaming or shaming the husband or his mother, which can help her be more receptive to the conversation,” she adds.
understanding dynamics
A recently released film ‘‘bad news’Touches on these complex dynamics, albeit incompletely. In the film, Trupti Dimri’s character, Saloni, is frustrated with her husband Akhil (played by Vicky Kaushal), who seems unable to go anywhere without his phone – especially when it comes to calls from his mother. Even on his honeymoon, when his focus should be on his wife, Akhil remains busy chatting with his mother. Frustrated, Saloni confronts him, but uncovers a deep emotional wound linked to a previous incident, for which Akhil holds himself responsible.
Therefore, Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychiatrist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, suggests that it is important to understand the reasons behind this behavior or inclination.
- Emotional Dependence: Some men may have emotional dependence on their mothers, seeking their approval and guidance in all aspects of life. This dependence may arise from close parenting or a lack of emotional independence.
- Lack of boundaries: An important factor in this mobility is the lack of established boundaries. If the husband has not set clear boundaries with his mother, this may lead her to escalate and interfere in the marital relationship.
- Cultural and Family Expectations: In some cultures, sons must remain loyal and devoted to their parents even after marriage. This expectation can leave a husband feeling torn between his wife and mother, often defaulting to the latter to avoid family conflict.
Mother vs Wife: Do fights affect marriage?
When one partner consistently puts his or her parent’s needs above those of the spouse, it can lead to feelings of neglect, resentment, and emotional distance.
“Over time, a spouse may feel unvalued or isolated from their partner, which can lead to deeper issues of trust and intimacy. It can also cause people to lose the sense of partnership and dependence that is important for a healthy marriage. As the basic intimacy in the relationship erodes, it can lead to conflict and resentment in other areas like sex, emotional intimacy, financial decisions or even child-related issues,” says Ruchi.
Dr. Tugnait explains that this preference can manifest in different ways, such as:
- Decision Making: The husband may consult his mother before discussing important decisions with his wife, or may give more importance to his mother’s opinion.
- time allocation: He may spend a disproportionate amount of time with his mother, often at the expense of quality time with his wife.
- Emotional Support: The husband may turn to his mother instead of his wife for emotional support, which can lead to emotional distance in the marriage.
- conflict resolution: In disagreements between his wife and mother, the husband may consistently take his mother’s side, causing his wife to feel unsupported and isolated.
When a husband consistently gives priority to his mother over his wife, in the long run it can create a significant imbalance in the marital relationship.
taking the final decision
Deciding whether to stay in a marriage where your husband’s mother comes first is extremely personal and complex. This requires introspection, open communication and, sometimes, professional guidance, says Dr. Tugnait.
- The first step is to have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Express your feelings without blame or accusation.
- Work together to establish clear boundaries with his mother. This may include setting limits on visits, phone calls, and involvement in marital decisions. Boundaries are necessary to protect the sanctity of your marriage.
‘he’ will have to try too
Instead of seeing it as a choice between being his wife and mother, he can create a balance between these relationships while maintaining clear boundaries and open communication. These are two different relationships and deserve equal respect. Ruchi Ruh says that the husband should not try to compare these two.
“He needs to reaffirm his commitment to his wife and prioritize his marriage while respectfully treating his relationship with his mother. Promoting family harmony as well as protecting the sanctity of the marriage can help, but this will require being firm in setting boundaries with both parties when necessary,” says Ruchi.
When to meet with a counselor
If problems persist despite best efforts, consider seeking help from a marriage counselor. A professional can provide a neutral perspective and offer strategies for navigating this complex dynamic. Consider your needs and well-being and consider whether staying in the marriage is consistent with your values and long-term happiness.
Sometimes, prioritizing your mental and emotional health can mean making difficult decisions.
