There’s no denying that relationships have evolved over time, which means the kind of relationship you share with your partner isn’t exactly the one you had with your grandparents. But one thing remains constant – an ideal relationship (not that there is one but you understand it, right?) is one where partners help each other be their best. This is basically the gist of the Michelangelo incident.

It’s a fascinating psychological concept that compares the dynamic between partners to that of a sculptor and his art. Just as the iconic Renaissance artist Michelangelo believed that his sculptures already existed within the marble, waiting to be revealed, this incident shows that in a healthy relationship, partners share those qualities and aspirations. “sculpt” each other by encouraging others who align with their ideal selves.

But is it always a harmonious process, or can sometimes the chisel strike too hard?

What is the Michelangelo incident?

“This phenomenon is about partners helping each other evolve into their true selves,” explains Absi Sam, a Mumbai-based counseling psychologist. “By supporting each other’s values, goals, and qualities, they remove the unnecessary parts, and reveal the best versions of themselves.”

This concept is consistent with self-determination theory (SDT), where people flourish when their autonomy, competence, and intrinsic goals are supported. In the context of relationships, Delhi-based relationship counselor Ruchi Rooh sheds light on how partners act as sculptors. “They affirm qualities and behaviors that are consistent with their partner’s ideal self-concept, fostering trust, shared goals, and emotional intimacy,” she says.

why it works

The Michelangelo Phenomenon thrives on mutual encouragement, emotional intimacy, and building resilience. When both partners feel supported, they are more likely to achieve personal growth. “This emotional security allows them to explore aspirations without fear of judgment or abandonment,” says Ruh.

Even in long distance relationships, the principles of incidence apply. As Sam says, “Strong communication is key to keeping the impact alive. It’s a reminder that growth and relationships extend beyond physical boundaries.”

Additionally, research on relational dynamics highlights that when couples invest in each other’s personal development, they experience higher levels of satisfaction and stability. Supporting a partner’s growth begins a cycle of positivity that strengthens the emotional foundation of the relationship. Furthermore, the shared pursuit of personal goals can strengthen the couple’s bond by creating common narratives and accomplishments.

cultural lens

In India, this phenomenon is linked to cultural expectations and family roles. “India’s pluralism comes with social norms that can be challenging,” explains Sam. “When you’re talking about the Indian aspect, or let’s say the cultural aspect in India, it’s very well But since India is full of pluralities, it doesn’t matter where you are from or what kind of family you have, we always have certain expectations from the society. Are,” Sam explains.

Rooh echoes this sentiment, emphasizing the potential for positive applications beyond romance. “This approach isn’t limited to romantic relationships. It works in friendships, family dynamics, and even professional setups.”

when can things go wrong

However, the sculptor’s chisel can sometimes slip. “When one partner imposes his or her vision of the ‘ideal self’ on the other, it can lead to resentment,” warns Ruh. Over time, this dynamic can create role tension or internal conflict.

Sam points out another risk: “There is a possibility that a person may lose their true self in trying to meet their partner’s expectations.” An imbalance can lead to dependency, emotional distancing, or unintentional reinforcement of harmful behaviors.

To prevent such harms, Ruh recommends boundaries and mutual respect. “It is essential that both partners feel equal contributors to the process. Otherwise, the sculptor may feel overburdened or inadequate.”

take away

The essence of a relationship, be it marriage or friendship, often depends on compatibility. While this is undoubtedly important, mutual development is equally important. Stability is not something people easily accept—if you don’t grow and your partner or friend doesn’t support that growth, it can cause tension in the relationship. On the other hand, going too far in imposing your vision on others can also create problems. So, the key is balance and, most importantly, listening!