Indian weddings are known for pomp and extravagance. Everything from the food to the decor, the outfits and even the guest list is very simple. When the word small is abhorrent to Indian weddings, what if someone really wants to celebrate one of the most important days of their life, their wedding day, with only close friends and family members, without the extended family members? Will society accept it?

The restrictions on marriage due to the pandemic changed the situation

The pandemic brought an unexpected change to Indian weddings, with government restrictions limiting the guest list to just 50 people. The community, accustomed to hosting hundreds of people at such events, suddenly had to cut down their guest list drastically. Breaking these restrictions wasn’t an option, so they had to adapt, and rethink what really mattered on their special day.

“We invited one guest from each family and there were no complaints as most people understood we were not doing it on purpose. But then, selecting who all would attend out of the 50 people was also a problem because Indian families are very big, you know,” says Ryan Das, an IT professional from Kolkata.

But it turned out to be an opportunity for those who always wanted to have a private wedding and the pandemic was just an excuse for them to have their wedding their way.

Manya Ramachandran, who got married during the pandemic (2021), says, “My partner and I always wanted a small private wedding, and our parents always disagreed. The pandemic made our dream wedding possible – just us and close family and friends.”

Now what about it?

Delhi-based Apeksha Agarwal is set to marry the love of her life in December this year, but says she is finding it difficult to convince her parents to have a destination wedding with just 100 people. “My father says, ‘Others have invited us to their children’s weddings, what will they think of us if we don’t invite them?’ Of course, I had to agree with him because just as it is my wedding, for him too it is his only daughter’s big day; he too has certain expectations.”

After the pandemic was over, life returned to normal to a large extent, and weddings were once again grand and lavish events. However, the desire for more intimate ceremonies hasn’t diminished. Still, the dilemma is this: we still live in a society where it’s considered bad to not invite the whole family to a wedding, let alone ask guests to come alone. So, is an intimate wedding impossible without some hardships and tribulations?

Sachin Singhal, founder and CEO of wedding planning service Band Baja, says change has already arrived.

Sachin says, “Wedding events have reduced significantly since the pandemic. Though I am not talking about the typical business families, overall wedding guests have come down from 500 to between 150 and 200. This change is partly because people are no longer bound to invite everyone whose weddings they have attended earlier. Instead, they feel more comfortable inviting their family members. However, it is still important to invite family and close relatives, as some people feel it is important to be around people they have known since childhood.”

Obviously we are not talking about the Ambani wedding guest list!

Dealing with the Plus One Dilemma

While there’s hardly anything you can do about your extended family, the decision of whether or not to invite a plus one depends largely on the context. Are you inviting someone who is married or in a long-term relationship? In such cases, it’s generally expected to extend an invitation to their partner as well. It’s not just about etiquette; it’s about acknowledging and respecting the important relationships in their life.

On the other hand, if the guest is single or the relationship is relatively new, it may not be necessary to invite a plus one. This isn’t about being rude; it’s about being practical. Many hosts prefer to focus on inviting close friends and family members they know personally, rather than trying to accommodate unknown guests.

Sachin says, “Typically, in an Indian wedding with 100 guests, you can expect to see around 50 per cent friends, 30-40 per cent close family members and 10 per cent acquaintances. As a wedding planner, I find smaller weddings to be more enjoyable, creating a more relaxed and fun atmosphere. Couples are no longer forced to flaunt a ‘plastic smile’ for a large crowd; instead, they can enjoy their special day with people they know well.”

Communicating Clearly

One way to avoid any discomfort or hurt feelings is through clear communication. If you decide not to invite a plus one, it’s important to state this politely and sensitively. A well-written invitation that makes it clear who is invited can prevent misunderstandings.

For example, specifically addressing the person in the invitation and not adding “and family” sends a subtle but clear message. Additionally, a personal conversation explaining the decision can help maintain goodwill. Most people will understand that planning a wedding comes with its own challenges and limitations.

Sachin says, “For couples planning their guest list, I recommend starting with making a list of all the people that come to their mind. Then, categorise them into two groups: those who are absolutely necessary and those who can be invited out of necessity. Focus on inviting the people who are really important to you, and don’t hesitate to invite the rest. For a destination wedding, it is common to invite only 50-60 close guests and then perhaps hold a larger reception for the others later.”

final thoughts

At the end of the day, everyone should realize that this is one of the most special days for the couple, and your thoughts and beliefs don’t matter (unless you’re a close family member or close friend). If you get an invitation, be happy about it, if not, don’t be too critical.